A Point to Zoning Out; The Hippie Kid
Hello reader! ...
How strange to actually be addressing someone as i type. Writing with the intention of what i write being read. I've found myself staring off into space more frequently lately than what i believe to be usual. In retrospect, suddenly, the state i enter reminds me of that state of mind you find when you've done psychedelic drugs and they're wearing off and you've been following this thought train aimlessly and it's been quite cathartic and entertaining but it's inevitably led you down the train of thought that seems to run in circles, it doesn't matter, and you're painfully aware of how pointless it all is--or it would be painful if you could be bothered to care. That feeling. The feeling one couldn't possibly put a term or phrase to because words are as pointless as using the term "pointless" to describe the feeling, which couldn't be bothered to speak at all.
I always snap out of it, usually rather quickly, but as i consider it now, i couldn't say how long i might sit there, completely dissociated from everything around me, given the circumstances that i had nothing to do and nowhere to be and no one to answer to, not even my own body. I even feel inclined to say that that state may be more comfortable to me than my usual active state.
It's a feeling that also reminds me of meditation. Pure awareness. No judgement upon anything i perceive. No inner monologue. Simply being. It's rather a nice thing to give way to from time to time, especially if you are already naturally inclined to the state--which i can think of one person in particular who was deeply inclined to this state. He was a kid i went to school with. Really simple. Liked working on Volkswagen vans--we called them the popular term "shag wagons." He was pretty true to the stereotype of a hippie. Long unkempt hair. Liked weed a lot. Crudely a simpleton. But i liked him. There was something about him.
When i was younger (and still from time to time with certain old friends) i used to do this thing with my best friend, we called it a game, where if someone said "Right now," you were meant to tell that person about whatever you were thinking at that moment. It's a lot harder than it sounds to articulate thoughts you're having naturally without initially having the intention of articulating them. Try it on anybody and they'll tell you they forgot the moment you spoke. However, with some practice, you can train a different response, and my best friend and i did. Obviously this hippie kid i had a crush on hadn't, but i tried with him all the time anyway. He'd be zoned out of his head and in another world and i'd get close enough to make sure he'd notice me and say it. "Right now." Nine times out of ten he couldn't tell me, and i was never surprised, but still somehow always frustrated. One time, a special day, i said it to him and he took a moment before laughing and telling me that time he was thinking about elephants. Eventually though, always after a bit of effort, he seemed to begin to be able to recall what it was about two thirds of the time.
Unfortunately the time i spent with him was relatively brief as far as friendships go, we simply parted ways, but he left an impression on me, and it's just now dawning on me that i am in a state i associate with him, so much like many of the recent phases i've been through, i'm reverting to a relationship. Wow that's a can of worms. I think i'll get to more of that later.
ANYWAY. So i've been zoning out lately. I guess i'm trying to assign it meaning. What for? I'm not certain. Maybe to justify my existing habits. Maybe i'm unable to see a perspective in which events are coincidental and there are no fates to align. I've always been a strong believer in Greater Things. I used to be a very hyperactive person, passionate, easily excitable. Lately though, i've been low as much as i've been high. And everybody zones out from time to time, but the frequency i've been catching myself doing it is higher than i find normal.
I remember in 8th grade, this kid and i shared an English class, and this was where i remember really taking note of his existence for the first time. The assignment in class one day was to pick someone in the room and observe and describe them. Most people picked best friends or buddies from cliques, but i picked him. We'd never spoken. I'm trying to recall exactly what it was that made me notice him. His hair covered his face for the most part when we were so young. Maybe i felt like he was trying to hide and i uncovered him. Maybe my feeling that he was hiding led me to believe he had something worth hiding. I think that's how i felt when he zoned out too. Like he was removed from present reality, but he was somewhere else, and i wanted to go there with him.
Well. Looks like i found a way to go there too, dude.
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately too. I haven't been feeling well, and have been forced to rest at home alone for hours a day for about a week. Maybe something is brewing in my mind and every once in a while i need to just let it simmer. Maybe something big and beautiful will come of it. I have been intending to paint more soon. I also intend to write here from time to time. I should take some time to purposefully meditate. It might redirect the energy of being zoned out into something more constructive. I also think that if i had a relationship it might distract me from whatever has my attention inside my head, but i hate to admit that i feel wanting for that.
I think... i have a point. And my point is that i have one, or i will soon, and hopefully you'll know as soon as i do. In other words, hello. Welcome to my blog. This is where i ramble.
How strange to actually be addressing someone as i type. Writing with the intention of what i write being read. I've found myself staring off into space more frequently lately than what i believe to be usual. In retrospect, suddenly, the state i enter reminds me of that state of mind you find when you've done psychedelic drugs and they're wearing off and you've been following this thought train aimlessly and it's been quite cathartic and entertaining but it's inevitably led you down the train of thought that seems to run in circles, it doesn't matter, and you're painfully aware of how pointless it all is--or it would be painful if you could be bothered to care. That feeling. The feeling one couldn't possibly put a term or phrase to because words are as pointless as using the term "pointless" to describe the feeling, which couldn't be bothered to speak at all.
I always snap out of it, usually rather quickly, but as i consider it now, i couldn't say how long i might sit there, completely dissociated from everything around me, given the circumstances that i had nothing to do and nowhere to be and no one to answer to, not even my own body. I even feel inclined to say that that state may be more comfortable to me than my usual active state.
It's a feeling that also reminds me of meditation. Pure awareness. No judgement upon anything i perceive. No inner monologue. Simply being. It's rather a nice thing to give way to from time to time, especially if you are already naturally inclined to the state--which i can think of one person in particular who was deeply inclined to this state. He was a kid i went to school with. Really simple. Liked working on Volkswagen vans--we called them the popular term "shag wagons." He was pretty true to the stereotype of a hippie. Long unkempt hair. Liked weed a lot. Crudely a simpleton. But i liked him. There was something about him.
When i was younger (and still from time to time with certain old friends) i used to do this thing with my best friend, we called it a game, where if someone said "Right now," you were meant to tell that person about whatever you were thinking at that moment. It's a lot harder than it sounds to articulate thoughts you're having naturally without initially having the intention of articulating them. Try it on anybody and they'll tell you they forgot the moment you spoke. However, with some practice, you can train a different response, and my best friend and i did. Obviously this hippie kid i had a crush on hadn't, but i tried with him all the time anyway. He'd be zoned out of his head and in another world and i'd get close enough to make sure he'd notice me and say it. "Right now." Nine times out of ten he couldn't tell me, and i was never surprised, but still somehow always frustrated. One time, a special day, i said it to him and he took a moment before laughing and telling me that time he was thinking about elephants. Eventually though, always after a bit of effort, he seemed to begin to be able to recall what it was about two thirds of the time.
Unfortunately the time i spent with him was relatively brief as far as friendships go, we simply parted ways, but he left an impression on me, and it's just now dawning on me that i am in a state i associate with him, so much like many of the recent phases i've been through, i'm reverting to a relationship. Wow that's a can of worms. I think i'll get to more of that later.
ANYWAY. So i've been zoning out lately. I guess i'm trying to assign it meaning. What for? I'm not certain. Maybe to justify my existing habits. Maybe i'm unable to see a perspective in which events are coincidental and there are no fates to align. I've always been a strong believer in Greater Things. I used to be a very hyperactive person, passionate, easily excitable. Lately though, i've been low as much as i've been high. And everybody zones out from time to time, but the frequency i've been catching myself doing it is higher than i find normal.
I remember in 8th grade, this kid and i shared an English class, and this was where i remember really taking note of his existence for the first time. The assignment in class one day was to pick someone in the room and observe and describe them. Most people picked best friends or buddies from cliques, but i picked him. We'd never spoken. I'm trying to recall exactly what it was that made me notice him. His hair covered his face for the most part when we were so young. Maybe i felt like he was trying to hide and i uncovered him. Maybe my feeling that he was hiding led me to believe he had something worth hiding. I think that's how i felt when he zoned out too. Like he was removed from present reality, but he was somewhere else, and i wanted to go there with him.
Well. Looks like i found a way to go there too, dude.
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately too. I haven't been feeling well, and have been forced to rest at home alone for hours a day for about a week. Maybe something is brewing in my mind and every once in a while i need to just let it simmer. Maybe something big and beautiful will come of it. I have been intending to paint more soon. I also intend to write here from time to time. I should take some time to purposefully meditate. It might redirect the energy of being zoned out into something more constructive. I also think that if i had a relationship it might distract me from whatever has my attention inside my head, but i hate to admit that i feel wanting for that.
I think... i have a point. And my point is that i have one, or i will soon, and hopefully you'll know as soon as i do. In other words, hello. Welcome to my blog. This is where i ramble.
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