Seeing Patterns; Acknowledging the Limits of an Individual Perspective

     Colors are prevalent in my life in a way that can sometimes be provocative to me--not at all in a sexual sense in this case, but when I catch sight of a natural rainbow anywhere in my environment, it almost inevitably catches my attention. I need to find out where the light source is, and what's causing the refraction, if I can. When I notice a customer sporting a particular color scheme, I'll often compliment their ensemble.
     Colors are also especially prevalent to me in the sense of the associations we tend to make with each color. The first thing that comes to mind when I consider the meanings of different colors is chakras. The full spectrum is present in age old ideas about how the body works, especially in Hindu culture, from what I understand. When you play a game of telephone for so long, a lot of the meaning is almost certain to be lost in such a system, but over the centuries, this perception of the body has persisted, and continues to make some sense, and a semblance of logic can be applied to the correlations drawn between the colors, their "place" in the human body, and the meanings associated with each color in today's world.
     Now, to be entirely frank, I have no Indian or even eastern heritage to my knowledge, and lay no claim to fully understand these systems. I'm deeply interested in metaphysics and the wealth of information to be learned, and lifestyle changes I can make that will help me suffer less and grow more, and bringing an awareness to what I have learned are my chakras, when I move through my daily life has been really helpful in a number of ways. For example, I view myself as a person with a vast capacity for love. It's taken me a great deal of time to learn the difference between sex and love, but I'm beginning to recognize it, and so when I feel myself getting heavier, usually because someone I don't like is at the counter at work, I tend to remind myself, "Lead with Love," and when I remember this, my posture straightens. I have a culturally bred habit of slouching deeply from time to time, more subtly more often, and I've heard of and read about the relationship between your physiology and your psychological well being, and I know that if you look into it, you'll find that bad posture has a number of negative impacts on the body and health.
     However, when you look into the color and meanings associated with the heart chakra, even I myself was somehow just a bit surprised to find that the color of the heart chakra is green, and the associations of the heart chakra in addition to your ability to love, is forgiveness, altruism, acceptance, compassion, and one could even say self-esteem. In giving my attention to this chakra and treating myself as a being that I don't fully understand, which I absolutely believe is true, I've discovered a small trick to help myself grow like a sprout in a great number of ways, more even than just to solve the problem I'm addressing when I call attention to this feeling of weight I sometimes feel.
     On another note, I've been in the midst of a mild identity crisis, which I'm noticing is becoming an biannual occurrence. This has been a crisis of my understanding of words like "gay," and "autistic," specifically. I talked to a distant friend today on video chat for a few hours. She's recently suffered some severe ill health, and then shortly thereafter was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. When we talked about the diagnosis, we both agreed on our discomfort of the terminology of "disorder." This is a word with intrinsically negative connotations, when one is diagnosed with a disorder, they immediately receive treatment so that they can live "normal" lives. I find this particular diagnosis upsetting on a personal level, because when I met this person and became friends with her, I initially saw great similarities between us that has since allowed us to become quite close, to be able to tell each other things in confidence knowing that what we say is safe with the other. One of the symptoms of autism I've read about is the sensation of being alien compared to those around you, like you don't belong. This friend of mine is a grown adult and has been living on her own for a while, and she's started talking about this desire she has to just run away, and I feel for her on that. I myself have every intention of being an immigrant, because I see my country for what it is, and I think it's possible, likely even, that I might fit in better somewhere else, or feel more fulfilled living a different lifestyle, under a different government. I digress.
     I identify as much with literal aliens as I do with any given person in front of me, especially human aliens, immigrants in the US that I actually know personally. Everyone feels foreign and confusing, as well as unique and enticing, and I'm beginning to take stock of the diversity between even similar and like-minded people in the world where I live. I've read about how often people with autism will have particular special interests, things that they obsessively know virtually everything about. I feel that I could easily identify a series of obsessions I've had through my life, and they all almost inevitably had to do with my self. People with autism are reported to have a proneness to narcissism, which is a trait I'm aware has been attributed to my father to the degree of being called a "disorder." I know I'm obviously not my father, and I recognize that autism isn't necessarily exclusively hereditary, and I'm not even saying my father was on the spectrum as well, although he has always consistently described himself as "awkward," and that stands out to me, BUT.
     All of the research I've done into this points towards the same conclusion--even to the extent of my identifying as non-binary in gender, and I'm still in the process of learning to accept my body for what it is. I knew someone who had been diagnosed with Aspergers (which, by the way, has been deemed politically incorrect, and is now termed Autistic Spectrum Disorder), and upon having lived with me for several months, this friend pointed out that I may be on the spectrum as well, which sparked my interest on the matter in the first place. This was three years ago, possibly longer. I've spent a lot of time living my life under the standing of viewing myself as having what I believe could be deemed "high functioning" Autistic Spectrum Disorder, and over time, I've become much more comfortable with myself. I'm finally learning to work with myself, rather than against myself, and this apparent discovery happened around the time I was beginning to explore other lifestyle options than those I'd been raised into, or that I'd rebelled into.
     And here's where I feel it might get a little controversial, so bare with me. I believe in professional diagnosis about as much as I believe in self-diagnosis. I realize that hypochondriacs are a part of the mix, which is why I find professional diagnosis to be a crucial step in establishing what kind of treatment should be applied in order to help the afflicted who seek help. I believe I've posted before about how I feel about placebos, and for those just now tuning in, the way I view placebos is such that I can use a metaphor: Hydraulics are to water as placebos are to magic. I absolutely believe in real western medicine--I know I have real asthma, diagnosed as Reactive Airway Disease, and I inhale a fine powder steroid, applied directly to my lungs every day so that I can breathe the air that's available to me. Western medicine is real, just for the record. I do believe that.
     But when it comes to the human psyche, things get a lot muddier, especially when you consider the amount of money involved in treating psychosis, psychological conditions, and mental and emotional well being. I had a conversation today with my primary about NASA and about how I'm not such a huge fan, but he likes them. The only point I really wanted to drive was that I don't like the fact that NASA is government funded, and that it feels so much to me like an elite and popular club who just so happens to have interesting answers to questions only a select few are asking anymore. Societies focus has shifted from interplanetary travel, to the possibility that some virus one day might get so clever that it can use corpses as hosts, in the past century or so. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of secrecy, probably because I myself don't enjoy having secrets, and I've seen traces of evidence that NASA might not be all that transparent for seemingly obvious reasons, but primarily because it gives way to the idea that there's information that "regular laypeople" don't have access to, simply because it hasn't been allowed to be publicized. NASA could easily become a completely transparent organization given that all the technology is in place, ready and available, but because there are politics involved, they're not.
     Politics is a really interesting word I've looking into the definition of. Everyone seems to know what one means when they use the word "politics," but what does it mean to be politic? Is it at all related to the root of "polite"? Is there such a thing as a politic? Well, google says "politic" is (of an action) seeming sensible and judicious under the circumstances. That's a great word. I love that word.
     On the other hand, when one searches for the definition of "politics," the results are a little less encouraging. Google's first definition states, "the activities associated with the governance of a country or other area, especially the debate or conflict among individuals or parties having or hoping to achieve power." That specification on the end there is frustrating. I'm of the belief that while structure is progressive, hierarchy often breeds toxic side effects, especially where the higher ups of a hierarchy are the recipients of currency.
     One could argue that this, albeit more likely a very subtle one, is a factor that plays into nosology and the diagnosing of any given patient. Given my understanding and personal experience of what the female human experience is like, and what the history of the relationship between Man and Woman as two separate entities has been like, I not only don't feel all too keen to identify with either party, I can't help but sense a certain lack of trust when it comes to systems and functions in society historically and still predominately run by men for the most part. Upon research, one will likely find that there's some level of controversy over the ratio of diagnosis of autism, and that historically, autism has been diagnosed in boys and men significantly more often than it has in girls and women, especially when it comes to "high functioning" autism.
     Borderline personality disorder is diagnosed three times more often in women than in men. I've yet to look into my relationship with the testimonials of this diagnosis, but I fully expect to find that accounts of the difference in quality of life before and after diagnosis are immense and wonderful, and I expect to read accounts of experiences and sensations I've also had. I'm beginning to feel that it's just as likely I could accurately describe myself as being "a little borderline," as I could when I say, "a little autistic." The difference is the connotation. If I say I have borderline, suddenly I'm like a threat. The reputation of this diagnosis is that people with this "disorder" are manipulative, dishonest, overly emotional, and sociopathic. These are not terms I identify with, for reasons that are probably obvious. No one wants to be seen this way. No one wants to get diagnosed with borderline. It's not fun. It's heavy. It takes up a lot of time and resources to treat. It makes it harder for the people you know to trust you. It's bullshit, in my opinion, that this is the diagnosis women predominantly receive, especially over autism.
     Now, I know I should see a professional to get an "expert's" opinion on how accurately I can describe myself by saying that I'm autistic, but I haven't yet, primarily because I expect to be told either that I'm not autistic, I just have BPD like so many other scorned women, or that I'm perfectly functional and neuro-typical and why am I seeking a diagnosis anyway if I don't think there's anything wrong with me? But it's important to me to know how I can describe myself so that I know what to listen for when I'm looking for someone to relate to. Being autistic is not something I see as a disorder, although I can agree without hesitation that there are forms of autism that deserve a particular kind of treatment, be it whatever kind of therapy suits you best, or a medicine that can help you be a little bit more like how you want to be.
     I think these things would also be hugely helpful to people who haven't ever been diagnosed with any kind of psychosis, disorder, or condition. It isn't as if being autistic means that you can't have a "normal" life, for whatever that means, and same goes for borderline. You live with yourself, and you live with the knowledge of what has been said to you, about you, and there are some old wounds whose scars may ache forever, and again, medicine is real. But think about smoking tobacco. For a period of time, smoking tobacco was prescribed by doctors as a treatment for things like coughs, and then later for stress. Now? It's a common vice. Many people enjoy a habit of smoking, and although you have to be a certain age to purchase them, you certainly don't need approval from a professional in order to obtain them. Things change, and as soon as the "experts" are done with something, or as soon as it gets out of hand, it moves into the hands of the laypeople, because that's what everyone is--a layperson--even the "experts" when they venture outside their fields of study.
     I'm not saying that my self-diagnosis of low end/high functioning ASD is any more or less valid than a professional diagnosis (though if I were to argue for one side, it'd be that my self-diagnosis is less valid than one from a specialist), and I'm not saying "it's all in your head," (though, to refer to an idea I learned from a popular fictional wizard, simply because something is in your head does not mean that it is any less real), but I suppose what I am saying is that few things are ever really as they seem, and especially that no one knows everything. I'm a believer that you are what you say you are, and that doesn't mean that you can magically turn your skin blue by saying your skin is already blue, but I do think that the human brain has a much greater capacity to influence both the environment of it's host body organism, but more especially the environment it's designed to perceive, process, and record. Shared reality. Paying attention to the little things in life, both the good and the bad, can give way to a new technicolor light in life that makes it a little more worth living. For example, despite our common nonbinary gender identity, my primary assumed he'd be paying for the sushi I asked today for much like many men assume they'll be picking up the check just because that's the way things are, but also, he's more than willing to buy me things because that's one way I know he shows me that he cares.